Walk Through A Pattern...

I find that it is easier to understand  big concepts through real life experience. So let's walk through a little pattern my friend Josephine struggles with to better understand how her childhood patterning was impacting her adult life. 

Josephine is a 34 year old she/her living in Los Angeles, CA. Since she was a pre-teen she has struggled with depression and anxiety, for which her parents helped her receive care. For a while it would dissipate, but after five years in her role as project manager she found herself utterly despondent and disillusioned by life.

"I'm just over it. Nothing makes me happy. I want to give up," she told me. 

She thought there must be something seriously wrong with her! She came from a good family, made 150k annually, had her own apartment, a sweet partner, and friends a plenty.  

As we spent more time together, it became clear that Josephine had long held a dream of becoming a pastry chef. In fact, she would make these chocolate macaroons for our friend's parties that were better than anything I've tasted in Paris! 

When I asked her why she had not pursued her dream she was full of limiting beliefs and programming: 
🥐 Well you can't make enough money from a bakery
🍪 I should have a serious job and climb the corporate ladder like my dad! He has good retirement benefits 
🍩 I wouldn't be good at running a business. I would fail and that would be embarrassing

Josephine is my dear friend, so I encouraged her to begin exploring her childhood patterns to better understand why she felt it was so impossible for her to be a successful pastry chef. 

She used the Conscious Healing Program's wounded meditation to learn that her fear of not having money came from a family who had fled their home country. She was told that having a CAREER was the only way to find security and safety in life. That it was the most important thing in the world. And yet- her working parents had gone bankrupt in the 2008 recession and she saw her community lose homes and resources- it seemed that even a career couldn't keep you safe and this filled her with more anxiety. 

Josephine used the reparent meditation to begin filling her subconscious with another possibility. One where personal satisfaction and joy would be important. She began to identify other people in her life without "conventional careers" who were making it. Our friend, Jon who left his family company to start his own investment firm, a friend who created a Paleo online store, and our dear friends The O'Connor's who sell dog merchandise made from Mexico online! Somehow- they were all making it and more-they were joyful and filled with purpose. 

And in what appeared to be just her luck-with more time at home during the pandemic she began baking for her neighbors. Just for fun. Soon she was receiving personal requests for birthdays and weddings. Nothing big but enough that she knew she was living as her authentic self. 

Though these changes didn't happen over night, Josephine has now sold her treats at several farmer's markets this year! She found that baking brought her so much joy it made staying at her job easier. She hasn't left her job...yet. Real life concerns her and because the programming is so deep- she is not ready to step into full trust. AND THAT'S OKAY!!!! You don't have to make a big sweeping change for it to work.

You just have to steps toward yourself. 

Josephine messaged me a few days ago saying, "I made you the carrot cake you like." Oh wait... no it was this one, "My mom messaged me the other day asking if I would make their anniversary cake. I just wanted to say thank you- my mom never believed in me, or so I thought. Through doing the work- I see now how I was the only who could give myself permission to be this person." 

You may have had a wonderful childhood and never thought to look back on it. You may feel you were not affected by your parents beliefs- patterning can be so sneaky, nuanced, and deeply rooted that you may not have noticed where it is at play. 

Exploring your childhood is so that you can become consciously aware of the childhood imprinting and patterns you witnessed at this stage of development. 

👉👉Curious if patterning is at play? Answer these questions in your journal: 

• What pattern am I curious about?
• What feelings come up around this pattern? How does it make me feel about myself?
• When do I notice myself falling into this loop?
• What did I witness in childhood? Was there anyone who acted similarly?
• What need does this pattern fill? How does it serve me?
• What would a healthy conscious parent do? How can I meet this need now?

💫 When you become conscious of these patterns you can make changes that are more aligned with your true self.