Let's Talk About: Gaslighting

   Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic perfected by narcissists and those wanting you to question your reality. If you have been on the receiving end of gaslighting then you know how awful and disorienting it can feel. You start to question if you really are TOO sensitive, you feel confused about the relationship, you’re always the one apologizing without knowing why, you feel put down and wonder if you’re good enough.

     The purpose of gaslighting is to make you question yourself, your sanity, worth, and the truth in front of you by someone afraid to lose their power. It happens in relationships, personal and professional kinds, and sometimes to an entire country by top notch narcissists in political dress (ahem).

    It is a way for someone to deflect responsibility and instead place blame elsewhere for their own misgivings. Narcissists lack empathy and self-awareness. They fear looking inward to their own flaws and faults and instead constantly blame others for their f*ck ups. This behavior is usually learned from modeling and the person may genuinely not understand what they're doing due to the lack of awareness. That doesn’t make it ok, gaslighting is emotional abuse.

    A huge percentage of people with narcissistic personality disorder are unable to identify this aspect in themselves. Do not bother reasoning with them about their behavior. You will only be left feeling more confused and down. Instead look for these:

Gaslighting Red Flags:

-The person lies outright (sometimes quite obviously)
-They deny truth, even if you have undeniable evidence or proof
-They try to guilt you
-Their actions and words don’t match up
-They wear you down over time and throw in compliments (back handed or straight forward) to confuse you
-They say you are crazy or that other people in your life are
-They try to isolate and turn you off from friends and family by speaking poorly about them
-They are projecting (ie: the partner who always suspects your cheating but is the one who stepped out in a way that is making them feel shameful)

   There is no winning in this type of dialogue, relinquish the need to be right in these arguments and focus on how you feel, stay clear. Seek a trusted person and therapist to speak to about the way you are being treated. Set and hold clear boundaries, choose to not engage when they behave this way.

  Try to stay calm and listen to your inner voice! The gut is so often right when it comes to gaslighting because it just feels wrong in your body. It is covert emotional abuse and may be hard to recognize at first but if you listen to your gut and look for the signs it will be easier to spot.

  Keep in mind that this behavior is never about you! This signals pain and work to be done in that person. Work they may never do, so keep the focus on what you need. Of course the love you have for them does not disappear but let the love you have for yourself be stronger than allowing this type of disrespect and disregard for your emotions.

(Sadly, there can be domestic violence where gaslighting is happening, please make sure to be safe and to always have a safety plan of where to go and who to call should things escalate. Please seek your local resources or call the national domestic violence hotline at: 1(800) 799-SAFE (7233) or visit thehotline.org).


Let’s journal:
How do these dialogues make you feel? Are you being told that this behavior is coming from love? Have you ever witnessed this behavior in others, childhood or otherwise? What boundaries can you set around communicating with this person?

There is also the issue of racial gaslighting. This is tactic used to avoid looking at inner racist shadows in oneself. It may sound something like: oh it's just a joke, I'm not a racist. I have BLANK-minority friends. Or blatant denial of the existence of racism.